Tonya Harding's Butt and Me
Back in 1996 I was poking around the weirder
alt.com sites on Usenet. I was delighted to come across not one but
devoted to worshipping Tonya Harding's derriere:
Ms. Harding, of course, is the bad-girl
cigarette-smoking high school drop-out world class ice skater who
set off a worldwide scandal when she was convicted of conspiring to
have her closest competitor, Nancy Kerrigan, attacked by thugs.
Tonya pled guilty, but still insists she was innocent, though the
attackers say she was in on it.
She was stripped of titles and thrown out of
skating. This was the beginning of a seemingly endless series of
disasters she was involved in, more than a few involving alcohol and
trucks and ditches. Her sleazebag husband sold videotapes of their
wedding night to Penthouse's Bob Guccione. These were marketed
around the world and posted on the Web.
Tonya's gone through a lot of adventures and
misadventures since then, and she's currently pursuing a boxing
career, and I wish her all the best.
Anyway, though I was never particularly
obsessed with Tonya's posterior, for a short time I was obsessed --
or at least interested in -- those who were so obsessed. And as I
sometimes do, I turned my interest into verse. Two example are
below, plus one essay.
-- James W. Harris
Ode To Tonya Harding's Butt
(as posted in the Usenet group
Tonya honey, baby, I shore love your butt!
Think' about it day and night is turnin' me into a nut!
I get the creepy-crawlies when I think about either cheek,
And the thought of both of 'em *together* leaves me feelin' mighty
Tonya, Tonya, baby, what a magnificent bum!
From what magical mixture of genes did you get that super-butt
Was it all those long hard hours spent a' spinning round the ice
That toned and firmed your wonderful scrumptious fanny up so nice?
Tonya, Tonya baby, won't you shake yore butt for me?
I'm sure I'm not the only one that would like to see
Yore butt a' shivering and a' shaking, moving up and down,
Or sideways and a' longways, across and all around!
Shake it Tonya, shake it! Shake your magnificent rump!
Give it to us baby! Pump it, honey, pump!
Millions of us fans of your fanny -- your "fanny club" -- are out
So shake it for us honey -- we'll give a great big cheer!
HOORAY FOR TONYA HARDING'S BUTT!!!
-- James W. Harris
[Note: "Ode To Tonya Harding's Butt" drew
remarks from alt.spank.tonya.harding readers:
KUDOS TO YOU, SIR!!!
finally, someone has put my thoughts into poetry!!!
the world needs more artists like you, james!
who said the arts were boring?!!
Hey Guy! That poem rules! As does Ms.
[Note: After Tonya Harding's sleazebag ex sold explicit videotapes of
wedding night to Penthouse, I was moved to write this bit of verse,
published at alt.fan.tonya-harding.whack.whack.whack ]
Tonya's Butt Wins New Fans
Tonya twirls around the ice,
Gee her butt looks so very nice.
Lovely buttocks encased in cloth,
Soon she will be betrayed by the man she betrothed.
Soon her honeymoon will be videotaped,
Then sold to the world, for her fans to gape.
Bob Guccione, of PENTHOUSE fame,
Will sell pictures and videotapes and buy another gold chain.
Tonya spinning innocently around the ice,
Didn't know what would follow the wedding rice.
Her lovely butt bared for all the world to see,
Wins her new fans on the 'Net and -- immortality!
Yes, Tonya, your fabulous fandabulous fanny
Will be worshipped in this group even when you're a granny!
Some would like to spank it, they think that would be funky,
While others are content to merely spank their monkey!
A butt above all butts in cyberspace!
Tonya, your rump has certainly taken its place
Among the most talked-about tushes on the Internet!
Sweet consolation, we hope, in your moments of regret!
THIS POEM DEDICATED TO ALL THE FANS OF TONYA'S BUTT!!!
-- James W. Harris
THEY STOLE TONYA'S BUTT
My last literary rumination on Tonya's butt
and the fans of same was in the form of an essay:
In alt.fan.tonya-harding.whack.whack.whack the following
query was posted:
>Tonya was supposed to be making an
action/adventure/shoot'em up film. Has
>anybody heard anything about it? Has it been completed? Has it
>released? Did it go straight to video?
>I would expect that this film would be able to do some business in
>theatres just from the curiosity factor.
I was moved to respond. Perhaps it was a slow day. I wrote:
Yes, the movie was completed about a year ago and is now in many
video rental stores, after a short and rather controversial
theatrical release. (Blockbuster refuses to carry it, however.)
THEY STOLE TONYA'S BUTT!
Tonya basically plays herself in the film. It begins when she
morning. She feels kind of strange, gropes around for a moment, then
suddenly is shocked to discover that --- her fantastic skater's butt
has been STOLEN!!! Where once there were tantalizing, taut muscular
butt cheeks, there is now only a flat layer of skin!
She checks the calendar, and is shocked to discover that she has
been asleep for fully three days. Obviously, someone has kidnapped
her, drugged her, and with incredible surgical precision, STOLEN
great butt clean off her!!!
Who could have done such a thing? She has no idea. And where can
she turn for help? She doesn't want to go to the police. She's had
enough notoriety for a while, and she knows that if this gets out,
tabloid media will have a field day. Yet she has no friends who have
the skills to track down her firmly toned but missing butt.
her ex-husband, who would probably film her now-drab derriere and
sell the video to FLAT ASS magazine for a few hundred bucks.
So she turns to the only people she knows can help her: the members
of an Internet newsgroup devoted to worshipping her magnificent
rump! She quietly emails some of the most devoted and intelligent-
sounding members of the group, and, outraged, they agree to meet
and help her.
"We love yore butt, Tonya!" exclaims Carleton Meyers, a handsome
medical doctor and leading national fan of Ms. Hardings' bottom.
"And when we find out who did this terrible thing...." His pause and
look leave no doubt that a terrible fate awaits the booty-burglars.
The "Fanny Club," as they dub themelves, swing into action. I don't
to give too much away, but eventually they discover that a jealous
former competitor of Tonya's -- "Nancy Kaye," a
woman clearly modelled on the
catty, spoiled, sore-loser, washed-up has-been
Nancy Kerrigan -- organized the
heinie heist. Turns out she was jealous of all the attention that
Tonya's rapture-inducing rump has been getting in cyberspace!
"They write poems about your butt!" she cries. "Odes about
your butt on the Internet -- while all I'm left with is skating
with mediocre skaters in stupid cartoon costumes,
gathering only the applause of ignorant morons! Your
bouncing buttocks are praised and hailed
electronically around the globe! I couldn't stand it! It should have
been MY buttocks winning the praise, the cyber-poems, the letters
of devotion, the PENTHOUSE spreads -- not yours! I come
from a good family -- and you're just trailer trash! Yet YOU
always get all the attention!
"Well, no more!" she howls, obviously insane. She points
to the stolen buttocks, which are carefully kept alive by all sorts
sophisticated medical equipment. "THERE'S
your butt now, Tonya! It's under MY
"Man, that's her butt, all right!" says one of the Fanny Clubbers.
"Yeah!" says Dr. Carleton Meyers. "Man, it's great to see that
The camera closes in on Nancy's insane, jealous-stricken, raging
"You fools! You make me sick! You still praise her butt -- even when
I've surgically removed it!"
"It's the greatest skater's butt I've ever seen," says Dr. Meyers.
yours look downright shabby, Nancy! I'm sorry, but I'm a trained
-- and I've got to call them like I see them!"
"AAAARRRRGGGHHH!" Nancy screams. "Very well!" She holds up
her hand. In it is some kind of remote control device. "You see
is some kind of remote control device! When I trigger it, Tonya's
ass will be blown to smithereens -- and it will take all of you with
I will escape -- because I'm wearing skates! And in case you haven't
noticed, the floor of my hideout here is made of ice! Only skates
propel anyone out of here in time to escape the blast! I will live
again -- while you all will be blown away! HA-AH-HA-HA!!!"
"At least we'll die with Tonya's butt," says one of the Fanny
"Yeah, it will be worth it," says another. "Just being able to see
shapely curves of those splendiforous ass cheeks again makes
it all worthwhile!"
"Yeah! Man, I couldn't stand to live on a planet where Tonya's ass
was gone!" said a third Fanny Clubber. "That ass -- it gave me
something to live for every day. And if I've got to die for it --
that's okay by me!"
Nancy becomes more and more infuriated as the Fanny Clubbers
continue praising Tonya's tush. No one notices, meanwhile, that
Tonya has slipped off her shoe and, holding it in her hand like
a club or hammer, is easing her way towards Nancy --
* * *
Well, I don't want to give any more away. All this happens in just
the first ten minutes of the movie. I haven't even touched on the
heartbreaking surgical butt reattachment scene
they get things mixed up on the first try), or the scene when
the Fanny Clubbers decide to "test out"
Tonya's newly reattached bottom
by some friendly spanking that quickly gets "out of hand," or --
Anyway, check it out. I'd give it four butts
out of a possible five. Maybe
four and a half.
-- James W. Harris
More poems by James W. Harris