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The Fabio Poems
"If you think I'm gay, then you won't mind if I date your wife." -- Fabio I wrote the following poems mostly for the Usenet Fabio fan group, alt.fan.fabio. There are other great Fabio poems up there too, including some stellar stuff by my fellow Fabio fans Chuck Barber and Steve Smith. Check out the dejanews archives and find 'em. A lot of people hate Fabio, just because he's so cool, so good-looking, so unfailingly polite and generous, so talented, and because he is utter catnip to millions of women and he's rich and he basically has the world on a string. Plus, he has his own fragrance! But those are some of the reasons I admire him. Most people's lives are petty and pathetic compared to his. Fabio is cool! Fabio lives big. Fabio is much needed in a sick neurotic world that deprecates beauty, masculinity, manners and romance. I was winner of both the "1995 Fabio Motto Contest" and the "1996 GOP Presidential Primaries Fabio Analysis Essay Contest" held at alt.fan.fabio, and I've also included below my winning essay. Also, near the end, a short reflection on "Fabiology," some replies to anti-Fabioist forces, and a few other items. Some of my Fabio poems were published in the wonderful literary magazine The Wicked. Others were published in the online magazine Auricular Immersion Media (http://www.auricular.com/AIM/) -- click on Archives, then Features. Thank you! Some of these are upbeat, some silly, some serious. Some are kind of scary (I have been told that all of them are "scary"), some are songs, some are nonsense. Some savvy publisher or patron of the arts should collect these into a book or chapbook, illustrate it with Fabio photos, and make us both rich! Any takers? Hang on for some Fabio-lous verse! -- James W. Harris PS: A few explanatory remarks: "Better than butter" was a famous line in the great "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" margarine ads Fabio starred in. "The Topaz Man" was a Fabio imitator who appeared on loads of romance novels published by Topaz books. _______________________________ The Fabio Way Some people
live their lives in the gutter True, a butterfly flaps his wing in Tobago (published in Auricular Immersion Media) WE WALK WITH FABIO Fabio Astrology (Written in response to Usenet spam on alt.fan.fabio) An Internet astrologer offers a free
horoscope, Seize This Fabio-lous Day! _______________________________ If Fabio Were A Car... If Fabio were a car, I'd drive it! Would You Be Like Fabio? Would you be like Fabio? Go-Go Fabio! Put Fabio in the Presidential Debates! I Think of Fabio Mackadack A Boodle-o -- Fabio! Take A Walk With Fabio Take a walk with Fabio. Fabio Caged published in Auricular Immersion Media You're Not Fabio! You may be a Victorian scholar -- published in Auricular Immersion Media Waitin' For Fabio! published in Auricular Immersion Media _______________________________ It's the great new dance that's going around, The Day I Went To Fabio Land Just An Evil, Stupid Man (The Fabio Mask)
Fabio Mystery Mission Fabio Flowers One day I went out to my garden One was Red like a rose, the deep red of
blood, One was Yellow, as bold and bright as the sun!
One was Green and filled to bursting with Oh, there was Orange and Maroon and a garish
Pink Oh now, some ask me, as people will: Happy Fabio New Year! A Fabio Monster Halloween Party! Fabio: Romance and Morality “I don’t believe in a movie _______________________________ FABIO GOOD, OTHERS BAD! (Written in response to an anti-Fabio screed posted at alt.fan.fabio) Fabio good, Adventure and excitement, Muscles, brains, hair that flies in the wind,
White light that explodes illusions, "I will cast the lukewarm out of my mouth,"
Destroy the illusions and limitations _______________________________ Does Fabio Look Like A Woman And Need A Haircut? (In alt.fan.fabio, "Spam Lord" wrote: "Fabio Needs A Hair Cut And A Decent Shirt ... Fabio Looks Like A Woman And He Needs A Haircut") I wrote the following in response.) Dear Spam Lord, Thank you for your opinion! You write with
succinctness and I respectfully must disagree, however, with
your assessment. Hope you enjoy! Does Fabio Look Like A Woman And Need A Haircut? I do not think that Fabio, Does Fabio need a haircut? Many find long hair such as Fabio's Fabio's example is just one way of many _______________________________ FABIO Q & A --
RESPONSES BY ME TO Fabio shit! caca! crote! merde! sheiBe! smell like old fart -- posted on alt.fan.fabio by "guy descheneaux" Dear Mr. Descheneaux, Thank you for writing! Many of today's greatest writers, in order to portray the tumultuous times in which we live, must sometimes use strong language in order to do that! It is not that they are pornographers or are writing merely to disgust or to titillate, rather they are reflecting the world we -- and they -- live in. It is an literary device, very different and distinct from mere gutter-trash or crudity for it's own sake. I believe that this is what you are trying to accomplish. There is something of Henry Miller in your style, I think! Not to suggest that you are a pale imitator -- clearly your style is your own! I hope you will pursue your thread of emotion here and share more with us. Let it all "hang out!" I can only speak for myself, but I would be glad to hear more! Sincerely, James W. Harris _______________________________ "Fabio Sucks" Subject: fabio sucks Fabio`s a gay boy.His I.Q.is got to be single digit. He`s nothing but a poser. He can`t hold an intelligent conversion. Besides that,I think he has a undersized unit. He needs to get a life,just like anyone who would read this newsgroup. JAMES W. HARRIS ANSWER: Thank you, Fabio Hater, for your comments! Controversy is no stranger to this group, and you are to be commended for your frankness and your brevity! But let us examine your statements: 1) Fabio is a gay boy. Indeed, he has much to be gay about! He is idolized by millions around the world, he is rich, he is revered as a fine gentleman, he has one of the world's greatest stereo systems, and so on. Hordes of beautiful women swarm about him. No wonder he is gay. And he brings much joy and delight to his fans, as well. 2) His IQ cannot be single digit, for he would not be able to accomplish all that he does with such a low IQ. So here, the facts demonstrate that you are in error. 3) He is far more than a poser, though, like you, I admire his accomplishments in this field -- indeed, he has probably posed for more book covers than any person in history! But he has written books, acted, produced exercise videos, entertained people in many varieties of forms. So he is much more than a poser. But as you read this group, you will learn more and more about the many talents of this great man. 4) You are again in error when you state that he cannot hold an intelligent conversation. He has done so, publicly, many times. In fact, I saw a snippet of him on the Conen O'Brian talk show just last week, and he had the whole audience delighted by an anecdote he was telling. So again, you are hampered by a misconception. 5.) He no doubt has many undersized units. Fabio is wealthy enough to afford many of the finest entertainment and recreational and labor saving devices, and miniaturization of such things is an ongoing technological process. Just think how computers, VCRs, radios and so on have shrunk over the years, particularly at the higher cost end. You are correct here. 6) "Get A Life" was indeed a great show, and I recommend it as you do to all the readers of this great newsgroup. It starred the very funny Chris Elliot, now famous for potato chip commercials. (Notice how many of our greatest entertainment figures -- including FABIO himself -- add their presence to advertisements for products. Often the ads are better than the shows on which they air!) Mr. Elliot has his own newsgroup -- check it out! The show is not being aired anywhere, right now, but if "Get A Life" reruns are ever shown again, no doubt there will be announcements and a big hubbub on the Chris Elliot fan newsgroup. Well, thank you, Mr. Fabio Hater (an unusual, if colorful name -- is it German?) for some gay remarks, some fascinating opinions, and some facts including some true ones! You have made a valuable contribution to the group, and I for one hope to see you here again! _______________________________ >From: <ugh@CISPPP> >Subject: UGH > UGH JAMES W. HARRIS ANSWER: Dear Mr. UGH, Thank you for entertaining us with a great puzzle-brain teaser about the FABIO-lous one! It took me a while, but then the answer clicked: U = Uniquely G = Grand H = Hero! What an "UGH" description of Fabio! Thanks, and please continue to entertain us with more riddles and conundrums about Fabio! Sincerely, James Harris _______________________________ >From: anonymous >Subject: FABIO SUCKS >there. i just wanted to say that JAMES W. HARRIS ANSWERS: And so you did! And now I just want to say THANK YOU, MR. ANONYMOUS, for providing us with so entertaining and perplexing a conundrum. I have spent many hours with it, trying to break the code. Then suddenly it came to me! FABIO SUCKS = FABIO: S uperstar, U ndeniably C ool K ing of S ensuality How's that? I hope you will visit us again soon, with another tantalizing brain-teaser! Have a FABIO-lous day! -- James W. Harris _______________________________ FABIOLOGY QUESTION in al.fan.fabio: So James what's the scoop on you and Fabio. Big fan? Ever met him. Fill me in. ANSWER BY JAMES W. HARRIS: Thank you for asking! You have asked a question that cannot be answered economically, in a few lines. But I will take a stab at it. I have never met Fabio, but I certainly hope
that I am destined to one day. I have been an admirer of his for
many years. I have watched his career rise, from unknown book cover
model to book cover model Indeed, Fabio's superstardom is far deeper than any one of his activities. There are many stars famous for writing books, or acting, or modeling, or romance, or commercials, or calendars, and so on ad infinitum. But Fabio excels in all this areas and more! He has risen above mere success and stardom to become a larger-than-life icon. And what does he symbolize? Adventure! Romance!
Courage! Good humor! Good manners! Drama! Freedom! Excitement! A
Positive Outlook! And more! Values tragically in danger of being
lost in our modern, cynical age. And he does all this with a
refreshing good humor, sensitivity, and modesty. Truly a Fabio is in many ways the Ideal Man, embodying
the finest virtues of manhood throughout the ages. His is a
desperately needed presence in our world, which seems to have lost
so many of the manly virtues and attributions. No wonder so
many women are attracted to him! It goes beyond his incredible
physique and good looks -- he has these, of course, but so do
millions of other men who are not crushed by crowds of swooning and
adoring feminine fans whenever they appear in public! No, they sense
there is something made gigantic in his form that is in danger of
vanishing -- something they desire and value. Men and women alike
should contemplate as to what that is! Thank you for asking a provocative and timely question! -- James W. Harris _______________________________ A Fabiological Analysis of the 1996 GOP Presidential Race by James W. Harris [Note: This
was my winning essay in the "1996 GOP Question: "I've been wondering ... Who would Fabio support in the Republican presidential race?" -- Stephen Smith. THANK YOU, MR. SMITH! For you have asked a question that FABIO ROJAS posed to this group a few months ago, in the form of a contest. It is a question that has haunted me for many weeks. Because it has many ramifications and possibilities.
It is an important question for anyone who believes in the values of adventure, romance, masculinity, sensuality, and other great ideals that FABIO represents to many of us here in this newsgroup!
Before answering, it is important to repeat what Fabio Rojas noted. Namely, that this is a theoretical question. We do not, in considering this question, imply that Fabio would actually endorse any of these candidates, or the Republican Party itself. Rather, we seek to look at each of the candidates through a microscopic lens composed of Fabio virtues, and see how the candidates measure up.
Here is my answer. I am still tormented by some aspects of this question, but now is the time to put this information before the American people, incomplete and unsatisfactory as it may be.
I will include the major candidates in my analysis, even those who have dropped out, because it is still important to contemplate these powerful and influential men, and because it may give additional insights into our political system as it stacks up against the power and majesty of the Fabio vision.
NOTE: If the contest mentioned above has not already closed (no closing date was ever given), please consider this my entry!
On to the candidates!
PATRICK BUCHANAN: In his favor, Buchanan has organized a bold crusade against convention. He has taken on conventional GOP ideology, and assaulted it! Undermanned, underfinanced, he nonetheless is waging a courageous war and will fight it to the finish. He is no stranger to combat, either physical or verbal, and yet he seems good-natured and does not hold a grudge. And his is a campaign of ideas, not a mere slavering after political power. For all this, he is to be admired!
However, Buchanan's anti-immigration and anti-immigrant stance lowers him enormously in my analysis. For a true romantic, swashbuckling, heroic character, national borders mean nothing -- a genuine adventurer goes anywhere, wherever and whenever he pleases! The rules and petty borders erected by officious bureaucrats are to be sneered at -- not strengthened!
Furthermore, Buchanan's protectionism is fatally flawed, as proved by FABIO himself. Fabio is an import. When he comes to the United States, he brings a product of immense value -- namely, himself! What can the United States export in his place? The pale, imitation Fabio wanna-be known as "the Topaz Man?" A few thousand pathetic Chippendale-type muscle boys? Please, don't make us laugh!!! There is nothing of similar value the U.S. has to offer to the world. And yet, Fabio's coming here does not cost us jobs. Quite the contrary! His books sell, people buy computers and software so they can contribute to this group, people buy his butterspray and his exercise videos, and so on. The U.S. economy benefits tremendously because of his presence, and we are all made happier, to boot! Thus, Buchanan's protectionism is proved to be utterly fallacious.
Also, Buchanan has allied himself with forces that would control the private lives of peaceful adults. How we choose to conduct our romantic and personal lives should be left up to us, not to politicians.
Buchanan, by making it harder for benefits like FABIO to arrive here, and by squashing the rights of today's freebooters and freethinkers to cross borders whenever and why-ever they wish, and by attempting to dictate our personal morality, is disqualified.
BOB DOLE: On the plus side, Dole is a genuine war hero who, like a Fabio novel come to life, fought courageously in battle, was terribly wounded, and battled to make a life for himself. For that, we commend him!
However, in office, Dole has compiled a sorry record. He has showed no commitment to principles of any kind. One day he is pro-welfare, the next against. One day for gun control, the next against. One day for Big Government, the next day, against. Etc. Etc., on every issue!!! Whatever issues you might think illustrate the Fabio perspective, he is all over the map on them!
His record shows him devoid of any allegiance to ideology at all. He simply is an office-seeker. That is, in my view, contemptible. Fabio demands a life of adventure, romance, excitement, courage -- not a slavering allegiance to the whims of the masses as indicated by opinion polls!
RICHARD LUGAR: Now gone from the race, Lugar is a mixture of good and bad, in my attempt at a Fabio-analysis. Good: He was unflaggingly cheerful and up-beat and courteous. He further had a novel idea: the elimination of the income tax and the IRS, to be replaced by a national sales tax. The goal was to free up entrepreneurial energy in the economy, to remove the tax collector's yoke from our necks, to enable Americans to walk more freely and proudly. Grand goals, and in the spirit of Fabio! However, the sales tax method means that merchants in the several states where sales taxes are not now collected would be forced to become tax collectors for the government. Isn't this a form of... slavery? It is compulsory labor, in a sense. And slave-masters are not exactly Fabioian heroes!!! So we must be wary of Mr. Lugar's techniques, even as we sympathize with his goals.
Bad: Mr. Lugar, despite his munition-sounding name, has a record of calling for gun control. Yet to me, the spirit of Fabio seems to cry out against any gun control. Self-defense and the right to carry the arms necessary to rise up against government tyrants or to help those who are oppressed by evil forces -- surely these are among the great values that Fabio, the swashbuckling, courageous man of honor and freedom, represents! Furthermore, Mr. Lugar favors a far larger welfare state than most politicians. Yet the welfare state, again in my opinion only, is the opposite of the fierce individualism, self-reliance, globe-stepping spirit that Fabio represents.
Thus, Mr. Lugar fails.
LAMAR ALEXANDER: See Bob Dole, except that he also wore stupid shirts and was not a war hero. (Those shirts -- can you imagine Fabio stooping to wear anything so tawdry!)
ROBERT DORNAN: A lengthy examination of Congressman Dornan's record shows him to be against almost every value that Fabio represents. Dornan is a posterboy for a coercive, anti-individualist, dictatorial, militaristic government. And he is frequently not polite, even in situations when politeness would cost him nothing. Dornan seems to view Americans as mere national resources, to be used and controlled as he sees fit. The spirit of Fabio flies against all that!
ALAN KEYES: When Mr. Keyes speaks on economics, he calls for a fierce laissez-faire-style capitalism that would allow every person to take on the world as best they can! In such a realm, individuals could reach their highest potential, he says. This freebooting, individualistic, winner-take-all you-can (as long as you don't hurt others) vision is inspiring, rather like one of the Fabio novel covers showing him as a pirate, or like Fabio's own books.
However, Mr. Keyes, on social issues, has allied himself with some of the more repressive elements. Although some of his proposals remain unclear to me, he seems to want to exert tremendous government control over our personal and romantic lives. That will not do, Mr. Keyes! The government is not to dictate our romance and our sensuality -- that is virtually a First Law of my Fabio-analysis!
Furthermore, a regular contributor to this group, who is a famous filmmaker and writer, has recently claimed that Mr. Keyes has been involved in a number of amazing crimes: petty theft, assault, robbery, child molesting, mass murder, hate crimes, and the like. Indeed, this man claims that Keyes is heavily associated with racist groups like the Ku Klux Klan, and he even says that Keyes once broke into his home, set his hair on fire, and raped him! While I do not have any proof of these allegations, and indeed find them to be extremely hard to believe, the filmmaker claims to have proof, and many of his supporters say he is a reliable man. No one is innocent until proven guilty, but we must determine the truth of such allegations against Mr. Keyes before even considering him for the highest office in the land, especially when we consider the scandals that recent presidential candidates and indeed elected presidents have presented us with.
ARLEN SPECTER: A spectre, indeed! Mr. Spectre's only distinction was that he favored the right to abortion. Otherwise he was a "moderate," which is to say, he demanded massive government control over almost every aspect of our personal and economic lives as his answer to all problems. The Spirit of Fabio, in my view, would sneer. As even the American voters did.
STEVE FORBES: In his favor, Mr. Forbes, like Mr. Buchanan, is embarking upon a courageous crusade for ideas. He is no mere political schemer, trying to get into office for personal gain. Rather, he is excited by a vision. His adventure is played out against great odds on an international scale -- like something out of a Fabio novel!
And that vision is not an altogether bad one. Like Mr. Lugar, Forbes says he wants to free Americans from the tyranny of an oppressive tax system -- a plus, in my analysis. I question his tool, however. The Flat Tax would not eliminate the IRS, Mr. Forbes' rhetoric to the contrary. Indeed, it may subvert genuine efforts to reduce or eliminate the IRS and the big government it feeds.
Mr. Forbes has also called for the replacement of the failing, and paternalistic, Social Security system with something that may actually pay off for young people, and that gives them more freedom and prosperity. This, too, is visionary and courageous. (Also, though, it does not go far enough, in my view.)
Unlike Mr. Buchanan, Mr. Forbes is for, generally, free trade, and he recognizes the contributions that immigrants make to our country. Thus he does not endorse the anti-Fabio nonsense that dominates Mr. Buchanan's twisted economic/immigration policy thinking. Instead, he represents the best views his party has to offer on these important subjects.
The free-market capitalism that Mr. Forbes endorses (though in a rather limited form), seems to me to be the economic system that best allows for the free-flowing, free-booting, adventurous, risk-it-all, self-reliant, independent spirit that I see in my personal vision of the essence of Fabio.
Mr. Forbes, however, has begun to make alliances with the same repressive elements that dominate the campaigns of the other GOPers -- elements that would control our romantic and sensual lives, elements that would tell us what we can put into our bodies, who and how we can love, what we can read and say. I do not believe that Mr. Forbes really, in his heart, supports such tyranny. However, his willingness to make partners with them in order to win, is sad and ominous.
However, we must remember that Mr. Forbes's father, the late Malcomb Forbes Sr., was an international adventurer in capitalism AND in sexuality. So, since Mr. Forbes admires his late father, we can hope that some of this tolerance has rubbed off on him and will affect his social views.
MORRIE TAYLOR: Although his campaign never caught on Mr. Taylor, like Forbes and Buchanan, entered the race to advance ideas, not merely to gain political power. He conducted his campaign with great flourish, humor, and a sense of adventure, all very much to his credit, and all of which win him high marks on the Fabio scale.
He generally favored a free market system, and is a self-made millionaire -- thus proving his mettle on the battlefields of real-world economic combat. He was unabashedly pro-choice, and had no animosity towards gays and (presumably) others who are the targets of the repressive elements within the GOP. ("Who gives a shit if they want to be tooty-frootie?" was his response to GOP attacks on gays.) Courageous and blunt! Bravo!
He further wanted to quickly and brutally balance the budget and cut taxes -- again, agree or disagree, a no-nonsense position.
However, he had his flaws. He seemed to embrace a considerable amount of the stupid and ugly protectionism that typifies Buchanan, calling for "fair trade" instead of out-and-out buccaneering free trade. Some of his positions on other issues have been difficult to uncover. Still, there was much to admire about Mr. Taylor.
* * *
So: who is the candidate who best captures the spirit of Fabio, among the GOP contenders?
Adding together the plusses and minuses, I believe that Mr. Forbes and Mr. Taylor may come the closest. Distinguishing between them calls for fine distinctions, perhaps too fine for this essay and the limited tools available. I will close it this way: Mr. Taylor may have been the most Fabioian candidate, with Forbes a close behind (so close it may be too close to call, really); and Mr. Forbes is the current leader, from my Fabioian perspective.
This is only my opinion, however, and it has been a difficult and painful journey to reach this answer. It is not to be considered in any way an endorsement of Mr. Forbes by me -- I personally could not bring myself to vote for him. Nor, of course, should this essay be considered an endorsement of Mr. Forbes by FABIO! I do not know the Fabio-lous one's personal political views, and would never dare to guess them or put words in his manly mouth!
None of the GOP contenders, in my view, come even within miles of expressing the true manliness of the Fabio worldview. To me, Fabio represents freedom, self-reliance, independence, adventure, courage, competitiveness, all tempered with compassion, politeness, tolerance for differences, and sensual and personal liberty. To me, Fabio is the eternal rebel, the Promethean spirit made flesh, the globe-striding individual whose integrity is his only passport. To me Fabioian politics would be anarchic in spirit -- holding in contempt the Washington parasites who exhibit "compassion" only by spending money taken at gunpoint from others; who dare to dictate how we may make love and express our sensuality; who have the arrogance to tell us what we may and may not smoke, drink, or otherwise ingest; who lie and lie and lie in order to win votes, until eventually they become men and women without morals, meanings, or truth residing within them; who, instead of engaging honorably in military conflict when necessary, prefer to do their fighting by enslaving others to fund their armies or serve as conscripts in their militaristic schemes; and so on.
I will not soil my hands with a vote for any of the GOP candidates analyzed above.
Contemplate the spirit of FABIO, and let your conscious conscience be your guide! |
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