Dear editor,

The two boys recently sentenced for torturing and killing a kitten went about it all wrong. They should have put on white lab coats, measured precisely the amount of gasoline they used, and made careful, accurate notes about the cat’s reactions when they set it ablaze. Then not only would they not have been punished, they might have gotten a government grant.

Sincerely,

James W. Harris

(Unpublished, August 1999)