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(Note: After Georgia's monstrous anti-sodomy law was finally declared unconstitutional in late 1998, some prominent Georgia Republicans actually planned to introduce a new version of it. Alas, cooler heads prevailed, and a wonderful potential circus was missed. No doubt the idea would have many supporters if revived today. This piece, never published, was written just after the  announcement that a new sodomy law might be pursued.)   

Georgia Republicans Organize Against Sex

by

James W. Harris

G.R.A.S.P -- Georgia Republicans Against Sex, Period -- is a new and fast-growing state political organization. Though it is controversial, it has already received the backing of many prominent Republicans and social conservatives.

And leading figures in both major parties are said to be watching the group’s progress with considerable interest.

I recently asked the group's president, Mr. Randy Comstock, how his group was formed, and what their goals are.

"A bunch of us social conservatives were talking about what to do about the state sodomy law being overturned last year," he said. "Naturally, all of us were for a new sodomy law. But then it hit me. We have to go further! Our problem isn't just with oral and anal sex, it's with sex, period. All sex."

"All sex?"

"Yes! Think about it. If there was no sex, there could be no sodomy, right? And no pornography. No abortions. No venereal disease. No teenage pregnancies. No homosexuals recruiting in our classrooms. Heck, without sex, Michael Bowers would probably be our governor today, instead of that man who's too liberal for Georgia.

"Outlawing sex will end most of the problems we social conservatives are concerned about, in one fell swoop. Of course, it means no more AIDS, too, but we're prepared to give up some of the good to get rid of the bad."

"So you're against even married, missionary-position sex?"

"Yes. Our position on positions is that the best position is no position. But let me make it clear to all the church-goers out there: we are definitely pro-missionary. Just anti-missionary position."

"But no sex means no more people, doesn't it?"

"Wrong! That's a typical knee-jerk liberal anti-technology response. We are pro-family, pro-marriage, pro-technology. We will allow good upstanding Christian families to have as many children as they wish, through artificial insemination. A government board, headed by conservative Christian political leaders, will select and license fit parents."

"What about non-Christians who want families?"

"Don't you know America was founded as a Christian nation? Are you against the Ten Commandments? This is a free country -- non-Christians will always be free to convert if they want families."

"How will you enforce this prohibition against sex?"

"We'll launch a War on Sex that will make the War on Drugs look like a Boy Scout jamboree. We'll put chemicals in the water and in the food supply to kill sexual desire. We'll give police the power to break into homes where they suspect sex is taking place. We'll bring in the Army and the
National Guard to patrol lovers' lanes. We'll impose stiff penalties for gateway activities like holding hands and kissing. We'll mandate random urine tests to check for increased levels of suspicious hormones.

"And we'll run anti-sex public service ads on TV. We've already got one filmed. It shows some brains in a frying pan, while a narrator says, 'This is your scrambled eggs on sex.' Hard-hitting, huh?"

"Indeed... But all of this sounds like it will take a lot of government spending and activity. Doesn't that contradict Republican cries for smaller government?"

"Not at all! If you think about it, there's really nothing unusual about Republicans outlawing sex. We've already passed laws that let the government control most of your personal life. We tell adults what books and magazines they can read and what movies they can watch. We outlaw prostitution, nude dancing, gambling and other victimless crimes. Blue laws make observance of Christian holy days mandatory. The War on Drugs tells people what they can and can't put into their own bodies. The new sodomy law that Georgia Republicans are introducing will outlaw a lot of sex, just like the old one.

"So a War on Sex is just the next natural step for socially conservative Republicans. And for the Democrats too, for that matter. We just beat 'em to the punch this time."

"One more question. Is there any truth to the rumor that Newt Gingrich resigned from Congress, and is now getting out of his marriage, so he can lead this new Republican issue to national
prominence?"

"No comment!"

                                                                            

 

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